Well it's been forever since I've updated. I now live in Dagsboro with Jason, super cute house with a deck and a pool. I love it. I now work at FurnitureLand in Delmar, instead of Ashley Furniture Homestore.  I've been there since January and it seems to be working out. I can't believe it's April. It truly blows my mind. Stephanie's home for her birthday. I can't wait to see her. I miss my bestest. I also miss my Juanie..but I don't think I'll be graced with his presence any time soon. I spent the day with Jason at the beach today. We went to the arcade it was so much fun. It works so great with him. I'm gonna go watch Atonement..I need a good cry. Peace.

i'd do anything for you.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep playing this game with him. I told him I loved him and the response I receieved was unnerving. He didn't acknowledge that I said I loved him..just that the message threw him off guard. WTF? At least I put it out there. It's my closure right? So why do I feel like it's more open than ever?


On a happier note, Mike is making me dinner and we're watching a movie tomorrow. He's so nice to me..it's soo weird..but really nice.

Current Mood: hopeful

So I took the step and emailed Ben. I told him everything...how much I missed him and more importantly that I love him. Do you think that I've gotten an answer? Noooooo. Do you think I'll get one? Nooooooo. I hate it. But on a happier note, I have a date with Mikie later this week and then I'm having a party on SATURDAY :) go me.

Current Mood: curious

I remember everything. I remember how you brought me oreos and milk on my birthday. I remember how you took care of me when I was sick, bringing me ice so that I could sit without coughing. I remember how you introduced me to so many movies..Dazed and Confused, Orange County..I remember how we used to quote Empire Records and Wedding Crashers, all day everyday. Or FRIENDS...god, you were the only one who got it. I remember the first time we kissed. I remember the first time you held my hand in ocean city. I remember the first time you told me you loved me and you wouldn't let me run away from it. I remember taking my first beer bong with you..you teaching me quarters, hockey, and three man. I remember you taking me to my first bar. I remember seeing MCR in concert for the first time, you were so happy to be sharing that with me. I remember our top 10 lists and listening to old school Nelly and Mase. I remember celebrating our birthdays together in NYC and spending the entire night in the city. I remember shaking while we said goodbye. I remember everything..do you?

Current Mood: lonely

I haven't written here in forever. Maybe it's because I don't like what I have to write about. Ben's gone. He's been gone for almost two months and it's been rough. It's been bad. We've fought..we've stopped talking..we've talked. My heart is incomplete. I don't like to talk to him often..cuz it still hurts. It stings to hear his voice and not see him next to me or to know that I'm going to see him soon. It hurts that he's out there..having fun and forgetting about me. I hate that if we fight or if he talks to someone else more than me..it makes me cry. It hurts that we can't get along like we used to. There's just so much tension. I hate that I never told him I loved him. I hate that I didn't stay with him that last night. I hate that things are different and it's mostly because I can't let it go. I hate that I'm going to see Motion City Soundtrack without him. I hate that he introduced me to so many things that will always remind me of him and I don't think I did that for him. I hate that he's SO happy but at the same time..I love that he's back in his element..because it suits him. I just wish he knew that he suits me.

Current Mood: crushed

"Hey, Don't Stop"

It's never easy to see the sun
When you're locked up in this pretty plaster cage
So she says she'd love to feel alive again
This loneliness necessitates her void

And I tell her don't stop trying to be the one
Cause one day it won't matter who you are
She's had enough of being down
And it seems that everything that she's heard
It's everything that makes her cry
And it's just about time to get this right
because I don't know if it's all about taking this drink tonight
And I've been thinking baby [x3]
That you're out of your mind

So now it's midnight and she leans against the wind
She finds it cold and comforting in this bold and daring glow
yeah, we all know to pass the time we pass around a few cold stares and wonder who we are
So I tell her don't stop trying to be the one
Cause one day it won't matter who you are
She's had enough of being down
And it seems that everything that she's heard
It's everything that makes her cry
It's just about time to get this right
Because i don't know if it's all about taking this drink tonight
And I've been thinking baby [x3]
That you're out of your mind

So I think she's better of this way [x2]
So I tell her don't stop trying to be the one
Cause one day it won't matter who you are
She's had enough of being down
And it seems that everything she's heard
Is everything that makes her cry
It's just about time to get this right because I don't know
If it's all about taking this drink tonight
And I've been thinking baby [x3]
That you're out of your mind
And I've been thinking baby [x3]



Just a song that really fits how I feel right now. I need to update but I just don't have the energy to right now. I have a "date" tomorrow with Mike..who has recently popped up after like 3 years with no communication whatsoever. I keep trying to convince myself that if I go out and date other guys..that I'll forget that I'm completely in love with Ben. God, what is wrong with me? Ben is leaving. LEAVING. sooner rather than later I'm going to come to terms with that.. I just can't ignore the fact that he's the one.

Current Mood: confused

well she was precious, like a flower
she grew wild, wild, but innocent.
the perfect prayer in a desperate hour,
she was everything beautiful and different.
stupid boy, you cant fence that in.
stupid boy, it’s like holding back the wind.
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
she never even knew she had a choice
and that’s what happens when the only voice
she hears is telling her she can’t
---
so, what made you think that you could take a life
and just push it, push it, around.
i guess to build yourself up so high,
you had to take her and break her down.
---
you stupid boy,
you always had to be right
and now you've lost the only thing
that ever made you feel alive.
---
it took awhile for her to figure out, she could run
but when she did, she was, long gone, long gone.
---
no one’s ever gonna love me like she loved me.
keith urban; stupid boy

Current Mood: contemplative

Wow, I can't believe that it's February already. Just 13 days till Valentine's Day. Eww. I've always LOVED this holiday but this year I have a feeling it's going to suck. I'm actually off work that day but I have a feeling I'll be sitting around feeling sorry for myself. How pathetic. Life's not that bad. I'm beginning to see the upside of things..it's just hard. But anything worth anything..is.

Just some lyrics I'm feeling at the moment...

*I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret. My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should be on.*

Why can you read me like no one else? I hide behind these words but I'm coming out.

I wanted to be the person he told things to. I wanted him to think I was pretty. I wanted him to be reminded of me by stuff I liked- pistachios and hooded sweatshirts and the Dylan Song- Girl from the North Country- and I wanted him to miss me when we were apart. I wanted him to feel, when we were lying in bed together, like he couldn't imagine anywhere better.

I want you to notice when I'm not around.

Current Mood: excited

There are these nights, I sing myself to sleep.. I'm hoping my dreams..bring you close to me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. These last couple of days, I can't make myself be happy. I cried for what seemed like forever last night. I just don't know what's wrong. I can't seem to find a place where I fit. I want to be whole. I feel like I'm missing something and I just can't seem to find it. I miss having someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm worth something. I just need a hug sometimes. I just want someone to want me once in awhile. To look at me and really see me. To look at me and make me feel like I'm something in their eyes. To make me feel like I'm worth it, like I'm beautiful. Why can't I find someone out there that thinks of me that way? Or do I just not see it? I really just want someone that at the end of the day, I can get in my sweatpants and put my hair in a pony tail and watch TV and then at the end of the night, hop into bed and just hold me. Sure ..sex and all that is a great bonus.. but I just want someone to kiss me and hold me and not want anything else. Is that too much to ask for?

Current Mood: blah

wake up one day and realize that you're the disappointment.

That quote definitely states how I'm feeling right now. I mean, it's 4 days till Christmas and I'm so excited but I can't help but feel like a failure. I mean, I'm 21, I just moved back in with my parents, I'm single. Could it get any worse? Everyone I know is doing something or at least they are on their own, trying to do something. Why can't that be me? When did I become a disappointment to myself? When did I become a disappointment to my family? How do I get from nothing to something meaningful? How do I keep falling for the wrong guys, guys that are never gonna be what I want them to be? When am I gonna be someone that I want to be? Where am I going?

And maybe im just scared, to face the things I feel. Its easier to walk away from everything.

Current Mood: bouncy